Today was GREAT!!!!! It started out Ooookkkkaaayllllyyy crappy... but onceI left my house and chilled with him and his fam it was alll kosher! He's a great kid man...

We watched "white chicks", yes I know I've seen it already, but it was funnier the second time too. After that we hitted up Kelly's house and watched Zoolander, then killed all of Dan=the Mans' illegal fireworks that cost him $60 bucks, but well worth it. I think we massacred the street of Loran.... Sry neighbor of Kelly!

Kelly I hope your two fingers are better... luv ya HUN!

It was nice hanging out with everyone again... it was cool and great...and I'm glad they got to meet, as Kel would say 'man friend' Zac. He's better than xanga.com/nissanrydin" target="_blank">Mike when it comes to me being around my friends, at least I don't have to worry about him enjoying himself.... that's a PLUS!!!

Jess you'll meet him when you come back, don't worry!!!!!



Tomorrow I don't know what it has in for me... everything is closed so I hope something turns up.... luv ya all byes!!!

I went to the beach early this morning from having a fantastic night with someone who has been treating me like I'm worth something. I sat right next to the waves and just thought to myself what is going on with me right now. I could only think of afew things because it was 5 in the morning and I was (still am) dead tired.

1. I want to really expierence and know what REAL love feels like.
- Truthfully, the last relationship was LOVE. I still think of seeing him and just wanting to be with him but I know it's over. Then I look again at how I was with him and I was horrible! I wasn't myself. I was so much in love that I couldn't even realize that I changed myself to be with that person. I also look on the other side that he was a good boyfriend, when we wanted to be. I hate some guys so much because of that... I feel so scared and so shy when it comes to things that I feel about with them now that when I try to express myself I'm scared it will be turned into something else.

ENOUGH ABOUT THAT SUBJECT

2. I want to get my mom off my damn back!!!
- Since school started my mom stopped with the nagging.

(to be continued)

Every night I just go over what I did this weekend or the week. I just realized that I spend most of that time at school or with my boyfriend. The other night my mom had a fit because I wasn't at home anymore and she started blaming everything on that reason. I didn't get into a good college, I am doing bad in my classes, I'm getting insomnia or i'm having lack of sleep, I'm slacking off on my birthday plans, I'm doing all these things because I am busy doing other nonsence things.
As I lay thinking about it, I am. I go online to read what people have to say about other people, or thier opinions about the crazy stuff that is happening. I also go online to do toher things but that is what takes some of my time (probably just 5 minutes). But like what Jessica is doing is fasting herself away from media stricken devices. She is not watching tv, not going online ie. xanga and occasional e-mail checks. You may think she is crazy for dissing xanga but I mean I would and could do the same thing.
I think about other things also. I thought about my relationships last night. The one I am in is just confuzing and I feel like I'm hanging myself on a string and anytime it can be cut. What's wrong with that? Instead of doing the maxium things you can do in a relationship I find myself doing the bare minimun. It's extremely odd and out of character of me to do such a thing but ever since the "misunderstanding break up" I can't be myself or think straight. Everytime I consider going to see him I always have to second think what my reason to go there for is. I do that also when I have to plan what to do with him when he is off.
It's ridiculous that I have to try to book a date with my boyfriend because he sometimes would rather book his day off or night off with his best friend before me... Wait I should take that back, it's the obsessive/clingy girlfriend attack now. I'm being selfish I know but seriously, this relationships is becoming sketchy and more risky now then I ever thought it would be. I find myself being persecuted for hanging out with idiotic/childish friends that like emo and yo ucan't cuss around and having a self righteous boyfriend that is too cool to hand out and mess around the playful act kinda way.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This is getting more difficult and stressful sometimes. I really just need to relax and focus on other things than usual.

OH hahah I heard a funny thing for a while over my break of writing.

Someone is jealous/upset because they aren't in my debutant.

To You: Your not in it because One, you secluded yourself from majority of your "friends" including me. Two, you never talk to me or barely spoke to me but only on command or with specific reason. Three, there are certain people who will question why you are in it and also question a lot of other things. Four, I'd make another one but I'm sure these are well enough reasons.

I'm not trying to be a bitch but seriously, it's not that important to be in a debutant. You really don't do much. I'm just asking to wear old prom dress or wear something semi-formal dressing. But I would prefer or would like my 18 buds to just wear somethings semi elegant.

Also if you aren't invited, chill the freak out. I'm having it as a little place and can only hold a certain amount of people.

Yet another thing distracting me from what I need in life.

ahhhh I'm off now... ohh yea.. autumn.......you put three friggin dents in my car!